Raise Your Red Flag

      A few weeks ago, I got back from my wedding and honeymoon in Hawaii. It was an amazing experience and adventure in so many ways, and looking back I realize what a privilege it was to have this incredible opportunity. 

     I could write an entire blog about my trip, but as I've come back and gotten back in my routine, there's this one thing that I really miss, and I've realized it's just not quite the same when we're in our normal environment, moving through our daily routines. 

     At the place where we stayed (the Sheraton Kauai... 10/10 recommend!), we spent a lot of time in the pool area. This is just a side note, but it wasn't just a pool area. It was by the pool which faced the beach and the Pacific ocean. It was there we would witness breathtaking sunrises, sunsets, and would often watch sea lions swim right up on the beach! But again, that's an aside from this month's topic. 

     In addition to the incredible views, on the back of the lounge chairs were these little red flags that would fold down and pop up. Anytime we needed anything, we could just raise our red flag, and a server would promptly come by and bring us whatever we needed -- ice cold water, pina colada (one for each hand!), bottle of champagne, all kinds of food, you name it! In theory you could stay there from sunrise to sunset, and have all you need without having to leave your seat! Not to mention, the staff there was incredibly friendly, so not only would they come by to take our orders and bring us food and drinks... we also had the chance to chat with some really kind locals whenever we popped those red flags up. And let me tell you, we never  hesitated to pop those red flags up! 

     Once we got back to life on the mainland and reality set in, I've often thought about how much I miss those red flags, and having the luxury of sitting and taking in all that beauty with the convenience of being helped and served in a snap (or with the pop of a flag). 

     As I got back into the groove of coaching and facilitating healings for my clients, the same themes kept coming up in my sessions. I am helping women who are moms, wives, and business women -- working full time at work and at home, who are overwhelmed and resist asking for help. 

     Last week I got back to my daily walks. When I walk, I love listening to podcasts, and Glennon Doyle's We Can Do Hard Things is one of my favorites. In one of her most recent episodes, she interviews Eat, Pray, Love author Elizabeth Gilbert, and the two authors were reminiscing about when they first met. At the time, Glennon was living in Florida, and Liz asked her why she moved there. Glennon shared that she had been diagnosed with Lyme disease, and not knowing what would happen, it just felt like the right move for her. The two then talked about what an epiphany that conversation had been for them... how it seemed women had to be dying or close to death before they would decide to live the life they really wanted to live. It seems that we put ourselves last and ignore our desires, wants, and needs until we're at our last resort, or what might feel like our final destination. 

     That conversation really hit home for me, and a light bulb went off, because I realized we (women) do the same thing when it comes to asking for help. We take on everything. We let the pressure build. We carry everything we can until we don't have another hand (or foot!) to carry one more thing, and we don't think we can add one more plate into the circus act of the 20 something plates we're already juggling. Sometimes when we can see the bottom about to fall out, or we're facing a major crisis, or we're about to hit the point of no return with our sanity... then and only then will we call in reinforcements and ask for help. 

     Why? Why do we do this to ourselves?? Why isn't it as easy as raising our red flags??? It's a question I ask my clients and loved ones alike who struggle to ask for help. The reasoning for most of us is pretty uniform across the board, and it comes down to two things. Many of us feel guilty asking for help. We feel like asking for help is a burden, and that we are solely responsible for the weight we carry, and it would be burdensome to ask someone else to step in and lighten our loads. Many of us also feel that asking for help is weak. That if we raise our hands, we'll appear lazy. That we must take on the responsibility, the heavy load to prove ourselves. And that makes sense too. We're stereotyped as the weaker sex. I've felt that pressure many times to prove myself worthy in the workplace, and I put similar pressures on myself at home too (I want to prove I'm a worthy partner, that I carry an equal load, etc.), and sometimes asking for help puts everything we've worked and fought for at risk... almost like a concession. 

     If you're tired of being tired, if you're over being overwhelmed, take a stand with Glennon, Liz and me, and let's say "no more!" No more waiting until we're on our last leg to ask for help. No more waiting until we're faced with death to live the life we long to live. 

    It's not a simple task to change the way we think and we act in a snap, but it will be easier if we do it collectively. Can we see ourselves not as burdens, but as someone giving others an opportunity  to help? Can we agree that asking for help isn't an admission of weakness, or a dampening of our worth, but an acknowledgement that we were made for community and that we are called to support each other and lift each other up?

     It might not be an overnight shift, but we can normalize this... normalize asking for help! We can make leaning on each other and asking for help as easy and as joyful as raising our red flags if we are all in it together. On the days I miss the red flag on my beach chair, I am going to consider that a nudge to look for the places in my life where I can raise my metaphorical red flag to ask for the help and support I need and let that baby fly! Will you raise your red flag with me?