College Football & The Root of all Suffering

      Several weeks ago, my alma mater, The University of Alabama, played a nail biter of a football game against the University of Texas. It was intense, and there were times I yelled at the TV and got more upset than I care to admit. It's pretty rare that I get worked up over Alabama football these days, and while this was a doozy of a game that game that came down to the wire (we won by the way, Roll Tide, and please don't stop reading here for the 75% of you who hate Bama), I was way more calm than I used to be in close Alabama football games. 

     So what changed? How do I stay so cool, calm and collected (relatively) now versus a decade ago when I would lose my marbles when Alabama lost or almost lost? Is it because I've become more zen? Well, sort of, but that is only scratching the surface. 

     When I'm doing feeling work with a client, exploring the feelings that cause them pain and suffering, I encourage them to examine the thoughts that are associated with and causing those feelings. So I went back and did that exercise with how I used to react during football season. It really boiled down to this: most people I knew understood how much I loved the Crimson Tide. About half of those people did not like Bama, and in fact enjoyed seeing them lose. If the team lost, in my mind, I would be considered a loser too... and that was a hit to my ego I just couldn't stand to endure! 

     While at first it sounded a little crazy and extreme to put those thoughts on paper, when I stepped back from my own personal experience and thought about sports fans as a whole, there are a lot of silly and stupid things people do over their teams losing. It all boils down to how much of our identity we've tied up in that team! If you think that's a stretch, think about all the stuff we have to identify ourselves to our teams: clothing, flags we fly in our yards, credit cards, car tags, and the list goes on! So when the team takes a loss, it feels personal... who we are in our own minds, in our own perceptions is taking a loss too. And that can be a LOT for the ego to withstand. 

     One of the most famous Buddhist teachings is that attachment is the root of all suffering. Think about it: we have certain expectations of outcomes for everything we do in life. We become attached to those outcomes, and when things don't go as expected or we lose anything we're attached to, we suffer. Then take something that is really important to you... so important that your identity has become entangled with it, and when those outcomes you're attached to don't go according to plan, it's an even more intense kind of suffering. 

    I use my personal example of Alabama football because it's more lighthearted and relatable for most sports fans, but we place our identity in a lot of other worldly things as well: our jobs, our achievements, our performance, our bank accounts, our roles in the world, our roles in our communities and our families, and the list goes on. There is nothing on this list that we have 100% control over, and I'm willing to bet that our dreams and visions for the items on this list never go exactly as we planned. The outcomes we are so attached to don't always unfold as expected. This can lead to some chronic suffering and even identity crises for some people. And yes, I too have placed parts of my identity in more than just Alabama football. There was a time in my life when I put all my eggs in the basket of being a super successful law student and future lawyer, and there was no room for failure. Then there was a time where so much of my value and identity was in who I was as a CrossFit athlete, and again, no room for failure. There were even times when I thought if I didn't have a certain amount of money or certain nice possessions, I would be a nobody. I had allowed so much of my identity to be defined by material things, and anytime the outcome wasn't what I expected, I had a really hard time coming to terms with it. But I look at the world around me, and I know this isn't just a "me thing". As a culture we are suffering because we are SO very attached and identified with things that ultimately are not making us truly whole. We have constructed our identities from bits and pieces that will always leave us with missing pieces and empty space inside... unless...

     As I mentioned in the beginning, I handle Alabama losing so much better than I used to and place so much less importance on games overall. Perhaps some of that is maturity, but I don't think that's all there is to it. If it was just Alabama football, that would be one thing, but over the past several years, I've felt more free from all of the things I used to define myself as. It's not a coincidence or even a marker of maturity. 

     I believe the difference is that I started focusing within myself instead of building my identity and worth from things outside of myself. Now more than ever, I'm convinced that's what the key is -- the key to freeing ourselves from attachment, the key to discovering that we are already truly whole, without anything from the outside world. We are not what we do, what we've achieved, how much money we make, who we know, what we drive, what we wear, where we come from, where we're going, or even who we cheer for. We are everything and we are nothing just as we are, and remembering that is the key to freedom from suffering. 

     So how do you discover that or remember who you truly are? I don't think there's a clear cut, easy answer, but that's not something to get discouraged about. I believe the path to remembering that you are already whole, just as you are, looks a little different for everyone. For me, it came from a lot of time spent differently than I had ever spent time before. Instead of constantly thinking about and working towards my next achievement, worrying about what people thought about me or what could go wrong with my plans, or just simply keeping myself busy (working, working out, cleaning, cooking, etc.), I slowed down. I gave myself more quiet time -- time to read, time in prayer, alone time spent out in nature, time in meditation or time spent reflecting in my journal. 

    I started to spend more time focusing on what was within and what's above, rather than spending time worrying about things out there. This change in how I spent my time happened gradually. I would dedicate just a little time each day to these practices, and I repeated them day after day after day for years. I really enjoyed this time to myself, with myself, and when I finally took time to reflect on how much had changed in terms of what I now cared about, what I felt to be really important, and how I viewed myself and the world around me, I was amazed by how much my perspective on everything had shifted as a result of spending so much time going within. 

    Even though it was just a little bit of time each day... sometimes 20 minutes, and rarely more than an hour... the effect of that dedicated time to myself compounded over the years. It helped me remember who I am, and that I have always been whole, and that I have always been loved just for being me, no strings attached. This was the path that helped free me from so many attachments. This was the path that has eliminated to much of my suffering. This was the path that helped me remember my true identity. My one hope is that sharing my story will inspire and encourage you to take the time to discover your own path so that you too can remember exactly who you are.