You Can Have Your Hula Pie and Eat it Too!

Last year when we got married in Hawaii, we met an older lesbian couple who was staying at the same resort where we were. We got married by the water at the resort, and because we had such a lively, dancing crew, most of the resort had seen at least some of our wedding festivities.

The day after the wedding, the couple asked us if we were the couple who was married the night before. We talked about the wedding, asked them about their story, what their secret to marital bliss was, and chatted for a bit.

 

A few weeks ago, we went back to Hawaii to celebrate our anniversary. Much to our surprise, the same couple was at the resort at the same time as us again! We said hello and reminded them of the year before. We asked them how often they went to Kauai, and they told us they come every year, staying for about a month (!!!). We asked them more about marriage this time. They told us the biggest key was communication (I knew it!). I’m guessing they’re in their 70s, and these ladies have been together for a long time… long before gay marriage was been legal. They told us they played a key role in getting gay marriage legalized in California (they’re from San Diego), so they felt like after all of that work, it only made sense to get married themselves. 

It was pretty obvious these women were very successful in numerous ways. They seemed to have a very solid relationship. I would assume they do well financially if they can spend a month in Hawaii every year. And they must be gutsy trailblazers to have fought the fight for gay marriage, and won, in California.

 

As amazing and progressive as these women were, there was one conversation we had with one of them that really struck me. One day, I was sitting on the beach watching Steph swim in the ocean. She got out of the water and came and sat on the sand with me. We spotted our friend swimming waaaaay out in the ocean. When she finally came out of the water, she spotted us and walked over to say hello.

 

We asked her how far she swam, and she pointed from point to point, saying I do 3 laps from there to there, a couple times a day. I do 4 laps if I had hula pie the night before! She tells us about hula pie, this amazing Hawaiian dessert – an ice cream pie with an Oreo crust, topped with macadamia nuts and hot fudge! Then she told us not only does she swim 4 laps to work off the pie, the pie is also a meal replacement.

 

In that moment, my heart sunk, and I felt really sad for this woman. This woman, who not only seemed successful, progressive, and worldly, was also very fit and trim. Despite all of that, I realized in that moment there was a part of her that wasn’t free, at least not in my opinion. To me, freedom is believing that you can enjoy dessert guilt-free. It’s knowing dessert is must, especially on vacation. It’s knowing dessert doesn’t have to be earned or worked off. It’s about loving your body, knowing what it feels like to love your body, and not feeling like you have to punish your body to meet certain societal standards. It’s about freeing your body and mind from a punishment/reward system.

Freedom of the mind also goes well beyond beliefs about food and our bodies. When I say the phrase “limiting beliefs”, people often aren’t super familiar with what I’m talking about. A limiting belief is exactly what it sounds like, a belief that keeps us limited or stuck where we are. These beliefs exist in our subconscious minds, and many times, we’re not even aware of them, nor do we know where they originated. Nevertheless, these beliefs become our internal navigation systems, acting as the driving force of our every action and decision.

 

Limiting beliefs exist to keep us "safe". When we test their limits, they send us warning signals that anything uncomfortable or unfamiliar is “dangerous”. This is why they’re so effective at keeping us where we are, which often means we are stuck, limited, and can find ourselves repeating patterns over and over again. For my friend at the beach, she’s limited in what she can enjoy. Having an enjoyable dinner AND dessert is just too risky. What if it causes her to gain some weight? What if she can’t swim it all off? What will people think? How will she judge herself? You might say her limiting belief is keeping her fit and healthy, but from my view, it’s keeping her from missing out on a whole lot of joy, pleasure, and new experiences.

 

Also remember that I mentioned this is just one example. We live in a world that largely operates in an either/or framework. It has to be this or that, black or white, all or nothing. This might look like beliefs such as, “I can take care of everyone else OR I can take care of myself.” “I can be successful OR I can enjoy life.” “I can enjoy relaxation and food OR I can look good.” “I can be a good mom OR I can have a successful career.” “I can be my most authentic self, OR I can be accepted.”

 

Breaking through limiting beliefs helps us shift from a world where only either/or are possible to a framework and mindset where we can have BOTH/AND. Try reframing those phrases above using the both/and model (e.g. - "I can be a good mom AND have a successful career!), and see how it feels to read it from that perspective.

 

Limiting beliefs aren’t limited (no pun intended!) to the either/or framework. They can often also exist as double binds (“I need to be sexy, but not too sexy.”; “I should make myself noticed, but not draw too much attention.” ; “I shouldn’t be a pushover, but also not so vocal that I come across as a bitch.” – damn, society makes it hard on women, huh?) or even as single limiting thoughts and beliefs (“I’m too much”, “I’m not enough”, “I am a fraud”, “I am alone”, “I am unlovable”, “I am not worthy”… and the list goes on).

 

Regardless of the format of the belief or what belief (or multiple beliefs) you’re struggling with, the end result is the same: they keep us from stepping into the highest, most expansive, most authentic versions of ourselves, which is what ultimately allows us to live a full, healed, joyful, fulfilling life.

 

If there is any part of you that feels (or believes) you can’t have your dessert and eat it too -- without consequences or having to “make up for it” -- there’s a good chance there are some limiting beliefs at work in your subconscious.

 

How can you start identifying and healing your limiting beliefs? When you find those places of resistance, even if it seems like something small (like not allowing yourself dessert!), try to pause and ask yourself – “If I did this, what is the absolute worst that could happen?” Then ask yourself, “When is the first time in my life I can remember feeling this way/having this fear or worry?”

 

When I help my clients transform their limiting beliefs, this is where we always start – with how the fear/belief looks and feels now, and then we start tracing it back to the origin story. Tracing it all the way back to the origin story, where those beliefs formed, allows us to remove those beliefs at the root level. By digging them up at the roots, you can introduce new, more expansive and freeing beliefs to a fertile, fresh foundation, so they can really take hold and flourish. When these new, UNlimited beliefs are running your internal navigation system, it allows you to live a life of freedom and expansion, free from all the things you were taught you couldn’t do, free from societal conditioning, free from fear of failure, and free from fear, period.